An open letter to filmmakers

Dear aspiring filmmakers,

If you want me to see your new movie at the multiplex, then follow these three steps:

1. Make a film that garners the enthusiastic acclaim of a vast majority of critics

2. Shut up

3. Take my money

Getting Wes Anderson involved in your project doesn't hurt either. Even if he is just a producer. He doesn't have to write it or direct it. I'll still see it on opening weekend.

Unless Noah Baumbach is also involved.

Of all the times Nano and I have gone on dates, two of those times have been screenings of Mr. Baumbach's work -- complete with stadium seating, a bucket of popcorn, and a 35 mm movie projector whirring behind us. These dates have not been my favorites.

I am writing this letter regarding the time Nano and I saw The Squid and the Whale – written and directed by Mr. Baumbach and produced by Mr. Anderson. The movie is about two boys dealing with their parents' divorce in the 1980s in Brooklyn. It turns out that such a story does not for a good date make. You see, part of the fun of young love is not a vision of how it can fall apart. Other terrible date movies involve prison camps, war, and Michael Bay. I know that The Squid and the Whale had nothing to do with the latter three, but it makes up for it with a divorce full of awkwardness, bitterness, and despair.

There's more to making a great movie than staging a memorable scene. Still, if I were a filmmaker, I would dream of making something unforgettable. What I remember most about The Squid and the Whale is the part when the older son wants to take a girl on a date -- to the movies to see Short Circuit. He mentions his plan to his father, who responds "Blue Velvet is supposed to be quite interesting." So the son, the father, and girl see David Lynch's surreal masterpiece Blue Velvet -- another terrible movie choice for a date. Watching this scene play out, I realized that Nano and I were on a similarly absurd date. It was as though the movie was making fun of us.

Aspiring filmmakers, it is not my intention to stifle your creativity or to suggest that your artistic vision is out of focus. Especially with regard to your work, Mr. Baumbach. Furthermore, I do not mean to imply that movie critics should withhold praise from extraordinary cinematic achievements unless such triumphs can be enjoyed within the context of a good date.

I want you to know that making a great date movie is a worthwhile pursuit. There's so much beauty in the world. Why not put in on film? But even when you turn your camera to the ugliness of life, at least try to be "quite interesting." If you succeed, then I'll probably get my attention.

I am pleased that Nano is still interested in me, in spite of my lackluster dating record. To me, it’s better than anything Wes Anderson has ever done.

Thank you for your time. Keep up the good work.

Your pal,

Uno